Disintegration as a step toward Integration

It feels impossible to put words to the experience I had when I traveled to India last month, but one word keep ringing in my ears: disintegration.

Before I left for this trip, I had questions about where and how I want to focus my energy – personally, professionally, in my relationships and spiritually. I felt a bit lost. Going to India, being in the jungle and studying with an amazing teacher, did not clarify or provide answers. In many ways, the experience brought more questions.

One of the translations for the word “yoga” is “integration.” I believe that one way we can find integration is to disintegrate. Disintegration means “the process of losing cohesion or strength” and “the process of coming to pieces,” according to Oxford Dictionary. Disintegration can feel like falling apart, losing a sense of wholeness or feeling like everything that did make sense doesn’t anymore. Wholeness is yet another translation of yoga. Although disintegration can be incredibly uncomfortable, unstable and confusing (at least for me) I trust it. It many ways it can catapult me into a sense of not knowing and drop me into beginner’s mind. I trust that it will lead to deeper layers and levels of knowing and integration.

I used to be afraid of disintegrating, and even now I am a bit impatient with it at times. I used to think I should have all the answers for myself, for clients, for folks who attend classes. Being with a teacher whose depth of knowledge and practice far exceeds anything I may even come close to in this lifetime, I am awed and inspired by how much I don’t know. I am excited after 17 years of practice (which frankly is still a baby practitioner in yoga) to find a teacher whose well is so deep that I get the opportunity to be a beginner and to disintegrate, integrate and disintegrate again and again with.