Holding onto Practice and Teachers

It feels strange to say this, but when people ask me how I’m doing my honest answer is great. I feel I should whisper it, or downplay it, or even lie. I have thriver’s guilt at times! When Lama Rod Owens came to many of us in our homes at the beginning of quarantine I remember him saying now, in the apocalypse, is the time to hold your practice dearly, and that is exactly what I am doing.  

2 years ago during this auspicious time, Navaratri (or Nine Nights of the Goddess), I met my teacher, Kavitha Chinnaiyan, for the first time. I have been incredibly fortunate to have wonderful teachers throughout my life, but for 6 years I was searching for a teacher I could have a 1:1 relationship with, where she could know me intimately and guide me in my unique (and not so unique!) life circumstances. In that first year I reached out to her in times of despair and turbulence. In her incredibly busy life (she is a fulltime cardiologist, a mother of 2 and a Tantric teacher on top of her own spiritual practice) she responded with guidance and patience. Last year at this time I was in India with her while also beginning a 6-month immersion for women.

The 3 days in the middle of Navaratri (which starts today) are dedicated to Lakshmi, the Goddess of abundance, sustenance, prosperity, and beauty. Gratitude is one of the practices that can be a form of devotion to Lakshmi.

As I reflect on the last 2 years I have studied with Kavithaji I offer my gratitude. You have challenged me like no one ever has and through those challenges I have grown in ways I did not think possible. You have patiently held my hand when I was scared, tantruming, angry, confused, intellectualizing, and overall just not getting it. You have repeated yourself hundreds of times until I got it. You have taught me how to be a student, and I did not even know I needed to learn that! You have taught me to be more present and embodied. You have shown me the areas of my life that are leading me to more ignorance and challenged me to change course. My life has transformed in 2 years, and I lay that all at your feet with humility and love. I can only imagine what the next two years will bring, and I am grateful for every moment I have in your presence.

Here is an offering from my teacher for Navaratri:
May Her rasa drip down to our cells and bones.
May Her beauty become our lens of perception.
May her Siva bhakti become our way of being.
May Her countenance haunt our dreams forever.
Sri Matre Namah!

What practices are you holding dear right now? Who are the teachers you can turn to when you feel lost, angry, confused or despairing? 

If you don’t have a current practice what intrigues you? Is it lovingkindness? Mindfulness? Yoga? Prayer? Singing? As we go into the darker months what is a practice you can commit to? Who can you go to when you get stuck? Teachers can be those people who are formally in a teacher role, but can also be friends, family, therapists, loved ones or pets. 

In practice, connection and gratitude,
Laura

Feeling the Feels and Supporting the System

My heart is with you. I am taking time to tend to my body and heart (2 weekends back to back of online retreats with my teachers) as well support the collective (dropping off gloves at Virginia Mason, keeping my social distance and checking in with loved ones). My hope is that this newsletter can bring you some peace and ease in this uncertain time, which is every moment, even though it has been particularly magnified for many right now.

Here are some very common and normal experiences you may be having:
1. Sadness and mourning
2. A sense of free falling
3. Happiness about the opportunity to slow down
4. Guilt
5. Despair
6. Anger
7. More easily frustrated
8. Overwhelm
9. Easily distracted
10. Not able to focus or retain information
11. Tight muscles
12. Gratitude
13. Difficulty sleeping or sleeping more than usual
14. Numbing out
15. Irritability
16. Awe
17. Trouble balancing (physically as well as mentally)
18. Lethargy
19. Rumination
20. Fear

All of these are normal and OK. And, of course, these may not be the only experiences you are having.  Maybe you are experiencing something not on this list. That is OK too. We all have unique nervous systems that process uncertainty and crisis in different ways. The more we can allow our bodies and hearts to go through whatever we are experiencing without “shoulding” on ourselves (i.e. I should feel more clearheaded or I shouldn’t feel happy right now,) the more we can be fully present to ourselves and others. 

Here is a guided practice for you around allowing the arisings of your experience:

Here are some other meditations I have recorded throughout the years that you can use if they are helpful.

Here are some other things I have been doing to support my nervous system as it moves through the waves of emotions, thoughts, feelings and sensations. If they sound like they may be useful to you, try them out:
1. Rocking back and forth. Find a rhythm that feels soothing to your system.
2. Orientation. What do you see? Hear? Smell? Taste? Feel?
3. Hugging trees. 
4. Taking social media and news fasts. I try to take a minimum of 24 hours off social media and news/week. 
5. Put a hand on your heart and breathe into that hand.
6. Put a hand on your belly and breathe into that hand.
7. Lay with your legs up the wall.
8. Put on a favorite song and dance. Yesterday I danced to Whitney Houston and Janelle Monae.
9. Gratitude practice. What are 10 things you are grateful for?
10. Be of service. If you are able, can you support your community through grocery shopping or picking up meds or dog walking?
11. Receive service. Can you ask for the support you need? Who can you reach out to for grocery shopping, med pick ups, dog walking or to simply connect?
12. Feel your feet on the ground. If you struggle to feel your feet, wiggle your toes. If you have tennis balls around the house roll your feet on them.
13. Lovingkindness practice: When inhaling, say: May I be well. When exhaling, say: May you be well.
14. Inhale to a count of 4 and exhale to a count of 4. Make this easy. If it is too long or too short for your breath change the number.
15. Do handstands. 
16. Take a nap. 
17. Watch the clouds and remember the impermanence of every moment.
18. Touch the earth. Put your hands in the grass or on the ground to feel the support beneath you.
19. Connect with your ancestors. Ask them for guidance and support.
20. Journal or draw your feelings.

What are you doing to resource yourself right now? We are all figuring this out as we go, and if you have practices that support you that is wonderful. Keep it up!

With love and community,
Laura

Disintegration as a step toward Integration

It feels impossible to put words to the experience I had when I traveled to India last month, but one word keep ringing in my ears: disintegration.

Before I left for this trip, I had questions about where and how I want to focus my energy – personally, professionally, in my relationships and spiritually. I felt a bit lost. Going to India, being in the jungle and studying with an amazing teacher, did not clarify or provide answers. In many ways, the experience brought more questions.

One of the translations for the word “yoga” is “integration.” I believe that one way we can find integration is to disintegrate. Disintegration means “the process of losing cohesion or strength” and “the process of coming to pieces,” according to Oxford Dictionary. Disintegration can feel like falling apart, losing a sense of wholeness or feeling like everything that did make sense doesn’t anymore. Wholeness is yet another translation of yoga. Although disintegration can be incredibly uncomfortable, unstable and confusing (at least for me) I trust it. It many ways it can catapult me into a sense of not knowing and drop me into beginner’s mind. I trust that it will lead to deeper layers and levels of knowing and integration.

I used to be afraid of disintegrating, and even now I am a bit impatient with it at times. I used to think I should have all the answers for myself, for clients, for folks who attend classes. Being with a teacher whose depth of knowledge and practice far exceeds anything I may even come close to in this lifetime, I am awed and inspired by how much I don’t know. I am excited after 17 years of practice (which frankly is still a baby practitioner in yoga) to find a teacher whose well is so deep that I get the opportunity to be a beginner and to disintegrate, integrate and disintegrate again and again with.