Category: Depression, Anxiety, and Grief

What is the negativity bias, and how do I work with it?

The negativity bias is part of our system wired to pay more attention to things we perceive as negative than to what we perceive as positive. Evolutionarily this is brilliant because it keeps us alive.

I’ve spent more time out in the wilderness this summer hiking and noticed some interesting experiences with my negativity bias in the form of, “what if…” questions.

As I’m walking through a gorgeous meadow I notice myself wondering, “What if I didn’t bring enough water?”

As I’m taking in vast landscapes of mountains and sky I think, “What if I get lost?”

As I descend into an pristine alpine lake I contemplate, “What if I fall and hurt myself?”

From a survival perspective it is more important to know what to do in these scenarios than to wonder:

What if I see an amazing view of Mt. Rainier?

What if I enjoy a swim in that incredible lake?

What if I get to eat wild blueberries on the trail?

The first set of “what if…” questions, rooted in the negativity bias, are based in survival in order to prepare me so I return unharmed. The second set of “what if…” questions can foster the opposite of the negativity bias, which can bring a sense of well-being, contentment and ease into my experience.

The point is not to get rid of the negativity bias, but to include and expand beyond it. The last time I drove the negativity bias kept me safe when my attention was drawn to what other drivers were doing and noticing the changing traffic lights. I also enjoyed the chant I was listening to, the warm air coming in through the window and seeing the rising moon. 

Paying attention to other drivers, traffic signals and what pedestrians are doing will give me (and others) a better chance of surviving my drive, but paying attention to what I was listening to, the air and the moon made my drive much more enjoyable.

How do we work with the negativity bias?

Notice the negativity bias in action and its protective qualities. It keeps you alert to potential threats and dangers as you navigate your day. Thank the negativity bias for keeping you alive. Then intentionally notice things that bring you a sense of joy, comfort and satisfaction. When you find those moments take 5 breaths to savor the experience of being ok, content, at peace or settled.

In summary, we are all wired to pay more attention to pain than the pleasure, and that is an important survival skill. At the same time since most of us want to thrive, and not just survive, we can train our brains to savor the pleasant and neutral to give our systems a broader perspective of reality.

Yoga Therapy for Anxiety

Does anxiety keep you tense and unable to relax?

Do you find it impossible to turn the mind “off”?

Do you long for peace and ease in the body, mind and heart? 

Anxiety can take a toll on the body through tight muscles, gastrointestinal distress, headaches or chronic pain. It can impact the mind through racing thoughts, catastrophizing, constant worrying about what might happen in the future or replaying painful experiences in the past. It can impact energy in feeling drained and exhausted yet not being able to sleep soundly. It can make relationships challenging in needing to prove yourself or concern about what others are doing or thinking about you. 

You are not alone. 

Anxiety disorders are the most common mental health challenge in the United States, with over 40 million adults diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. With the uncertainty of the world around us, due to many factors including climate change, racism and sexism along with the individual experiences of raising a family, conflict with in-laws or losing a job, anxiety is a common response to feelings of uncertainty, lack of control and overwhelming circumstances. 

Anxiety in the body.

For some people anxiety can feel like a racing heart or difficulty breathing. For others it can be a churning stomach or a sense of feeling nauseous. It can feel like there is too much energy in the body or there is no way to move it out or through. It can make eating or sleeping difficult.

Anxiety in the nervous system. 

Anxiety can keep a person stuck in a fight or flight response, or the sympathetic state of the nervous system. The sympathetic response keeps us on high alert, constantly searching for threats, being on edge and hypervigilant. When people are stuck in a sympathetic state they can feel more heat or shakiness in the body. It may be difficult to find the right words to express yourself and it can be difficult to focus or concentrate. 

Anxiety in the mind. 

The anxious mind can be constantly “on” whether it is ruminating, planning, strategizing, worrying or trying to fix something. Many times anxiety makes it difficult to be present, and there can be many thoughts that pull the mind into reliving the past or trying to control a future outcome. The mind might feel like it is racing and it rarely gets a chance to rest. 

Yoga Therapy can help. 

The word Yoga means union or “to yoke.” Yoga is about bringing the different aspects of yourself: body, mind, energy, heart and spirit together into integration. For many people with anxiety there can be a disconnection between the body and mind. For some it can feel like the body is being taken over in panic attacks and for others the mind can feel like a prison of racing and intrusive thoughts. Yoga Therapy works holistically on all levels of your system to support healing, growth and the ability to anchor, ground and resource.  

Understanding the nervous system. 

Beginning with understanding the wisdom of your nervous system can be the first step towards understanding anxiety instead of fighting with it. The nervous system is always trying to protect you, even if it doesn’t feel that way. The hypervigilance or rumination of anxiety is an attempt to keep you safe. When and if it is possible to step back to honor the INTENTION of the nervous system, even if the impact has painful consequences, it can help to soften towards this pattern that is literally trying to keep you alive. 

Embodiment practices. 

As we understand how the nervous system is wired we can work directly with it through embodiment practices that can give a sense of predictability, grounding and ease so the nervous system doesn’t have to be on constant alert. When the mind is racing we can shift to observing how the body is impacted by the thoughts and address the bodily response. For some people going into the body can shift their focus from the thoughts of past and future into their direct experience in the present moment. In general, the present moment is more tolerable than the what if thoughts that pull the mind into future worst case scenarios or regrets about the past. 

Lifestyle and routine. 

We work with creating a routine to provide structure the nervous system can rely on. For many people anxiety can feel chaotic, out of control and scary. Giving the body and mind something that feels steady, in control and consistent can ease the mind while also supporting the physiology of the body to align with its natural rhythms. Read more about lifestyle and Yoga Therapy here. 

Working with the breath. 

Anxiety can cause the breath to move up the torso and to rely on “emergency muscles” in the neck to breathe. The natural breath involves the entire torso where the diaphragm in the upper belly easily moves, the ribs expand and contract and the chest lifts and lowers with each breath. When anxiety is present it is telling the nervous system there is something wrong, which can make a shift in the breath to a more alert and labored breath. Chronic anxiety can make it difficult to take full and deep belly breaths. By slowly easing into diaphragmatic breathing, or belly breathing, the body can start to use the resource of the breath to calm and soothe the system. It is common for belly breathing to be challenging if you have not been using the full torso to breathe for a long time. Go slow and ease into it. Letting the belly be spacious and open can also feel vulnerable for some, so it is best to go at a slow, mindful pace and/or with someone who can support you easing into it so it can be an anxiety reliever rather than aggravator. 

Mindfulness and meditation. 

In Yoga Therapy we start more upstream through working with the body, breath, nervous system and physiology before we directly start working with the mind. Anxiety can make meditation seem like an impossible feat, and working to steady and stabilize the nervous system, body and breath first can make meditation more effective. Mindfulness can be a useful tool for anxiety because it helps take the mind out of looping thoughts into what is happening in the present. Right now as you are reading this, what is your body coming into contact with? Is it soft or hard? Warm or cool? What do you hear? What do you see? When we use the senses to anchor the mind and body in the present it can support the anxious mind to settle and this will support moving towards a more formal meditation practice. 

Sign up here to get your FREE Easing Anxiety Through Yoga Therapy Meditation.

Frequently Asked Questions

Can I be on medication and do Yoga Therapy?

Absolutely. Medication is one tool of many that can be extremely useful for anxiety, and it can be an additional benefit to our work because it can relieve the anxiety enough that the other tools we work with will be more effective. Some people benefit from medication for short periods of time and others need it long term. At times people have been able to reduce or stop anxiety medication through cultivating the tools of mindfulness and meditation. Everyone has their own unique expression of anxiety and the support they need to work with it. Yoga Therapy and medication are two of those supports that can be used in conjunction or not. 

How does Yoga Therapy differ from going to Yoga classes? 

Yoga Therapy is specifically tailored to your needs and as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist I have over 15 years of experience in working directly with mental health challenges like anxiety. I gather a detailed history and from that history we come up with a plan together that includes all aspects of you to address your strengths and challenges. You can also watch this video, which will share more about the difference between Yoga Therapy, Yoga classes and talk therapy. 

I’m currently seeing a talk therapist. Can I do Yoga Therapy too?

I love working in collaboration with talk therapists and any other providers you enjoy working with (including physical therapists, massage therapists, acupuncturists, naturopaths, etc.).  If you are currently working with a therapist, talk to them to see if they think Yoga Therapy could be a benefit to your work. I have found the deep work therapists do with their clients can complement the embodiment work we do in Yoga Therapy while the nervous system work and resourcing we do in Yoga Therapy can be a support to more traditional talk therapy. 

Sometimes my anxiety feels like it is all in my body without any thoughts and l feel like I’m having a heart attack. If Yoga Therapy is body-based how do I work with panic attacks that feel so physical in nature?

Yes, anxiety can definitely feel more physical than mental for some, and this is why working with the body strategically can be a support. Learning how to be in the body when it is talking quietly is a skill that many people struggle with. If the body isn’t screaming there can be a tendency to ignore its signals and cues. Yoga Therapy can work to get to know the subtle experiences of the body so you have choice and agency when a panic attack is arising instead of being blindsided by it. Embodiment practices can help you understand the beginnings of a panic attack and how you can support the body at those lower levels of anxiety so you can potentially work with the body to decrease or eliminate panic attacks completely. You can turn your body from an enemy to a friend. 

Can I bill my insurance for Yoga Therapy?

If you are based in Washington State you may be able to be reimbursed for our session as I am an out of network provider for most insurance companies. I do not bill insurance directly, but can provide you with receipts once/month with a mental health diagnosis, if applicable. You will be reimbursed by your insurance company. Please check with your insurance company directly to find out more information about out of network providers and how much you will be reimbursed. If you do not live in Washington State you can not use your insurance for our sessions and we can not contract as doing mental health work. If we determine it is necessary for you to work with a mental health provider beyond the scope of Yoga Therapy you will have to find a provider that is licensed in your state. 

Are you ready to take your next step toward living a life with ease? 
Sign up a 20 minute free consultation to see if Yoga Therapy is a good fit for you. I look forward to hearing from you.

Have other questions?
Reach out to me at laura@seedyogatherapy.com.

Moving Through Depression with Yoga Therapy FREE Workbook

I write this from the coziness of a coffee shop with the soft fabric of a sweater on my arms. As I watch the rain pour down into puddles on the sidewalk it reminds me fall is here, and now can be the time to resource the body/mind/heart for the darker, wetter and colder months ahead.

The play and exuberance of summer can be fun, but exhausting, while the rain and darkness can encourage a coming home to ourselves. As the bears prepare for hibernation we too can prepare for this quieter time of year. I find a fine balance between honoring the natural tendency to be more inward focused and when that can tip into depression. I currently feel my nervous system vacillating between wanting to keep doing and to be still and quiet. When I can honor the desire to be active, rather than telling myself I should be active, it can feel nourishing and unforced. At the same time when I allow myself to slow down when I need to it doesn’t get stuck in my body as depression. It is when I override and don’t listen to the brilliance of my nervous system I can get stuck in anxiety and/or depression. 

For many people living with depression it can’t simply be overcome by listening to the nervous system. However, by understanding and befriending the nervous system we can be more in alignment with our needs while also getting the additional support to navigate the serotonin dip that can happen less light. 

If you are prone to depression, whether seasonally, chronically or situationally, I created a free workbook to support you with tools to move with and through the experience of depression. 

Depression can impact the body, mind and heart through physical pain, lethargy, judgmental thoughts or a struggle to show up for yourself or your loved ones. In this workbook you will learn a holistic approach that addresses all of you.

In this workbook you will understand the role of the nervous system in depression and how to work directly with it and learn tools to work with self-criticism, perfectionism and self-hatred in order to nurture compassion, self-acceptance and kindness.

Along with the workbook there is a guided meditation you can use anytime and here are some other resources you can put into place now for your future self, who may thank you later: 

  1. Get a light therapy lamp, which can simulate sunshine to enhance mood, energy and sleep regulation. 
  2. See your doctor and get your vitamin D levels checked, as low levels can be associated with depression.
  3. Stick to the same times for eating and sleeping to support the balance of melatonin and cortisol levels, which can become out of balance with decreased sunlight as well as living with depression. 
  4. Get outside every day, even if only for a few minutes. Movement and being out in the elements can support the body’s natural resilience and can move stuck energy. 
  5. Honor the desire to slow down and be quiet. This can seem like a paradox from the previous point, but they both can help. Movement can encourage the system to not get stuck, and honoring the desire to be still can also be a way to allow the nervous system to go through the cycle of inertia, which is a natural and normal state of the nervous system. 
  6. If depression feels debilitating talk with a prescriber who can work with you to find a medication that can support you through this time of year. 
  7. Sign up for a Yoga Therapy program where we can work together to tailor tools directly to your experience of depression. 

May the darkness teach you the wisdom of stillness and quiet so you fully experience your brightness.

RIP To My Best Friend

On Wednesday, May 24, my beloved sweet boy, Buddy, passed away at our home. These last 14 years brought many lessons from this bright, beautiful, cautious, hilarious, sweet and adorable being I had the absolute privilege to share my life with. 

Buddy taught me to let go of my agenda. The day he came into my life I had a plan. I was looking for a dog that did not shed, was great with people, didn’t bark too much and would be a dog I could bring into my yoga therapy practice. He was none of those things. I didn’t get what I was looking for, but I got exactly what I needed. 

He taught me about boundaries. Buddy was clear who he wanted and did not want in his space. We called him a cat dog because he knew his boundaries and who he trusted. It took a long time to get into his heart, but once you did he was all in. 

He showed me how to be all in. Whether he was running on the beach at the ocean, eating his meals or making sure we were aware of how awful the mailperson’s daily intrusion was he played, ate, protected and lived from a stance of being fully immersed in what he was doing. 

He showed me how to be present and savor what was in front of me. I sometimes let Buddy walk me. We could learn about one leaf’s smells for minutes or zig zag through the trail rather than walking a straight line because there might be something on the other side that we couldn’t miss. In these walks I learned to slow down and look at the rocks, the veins of the leaves, the buds of the flowers and the textures of the clouds more. 

He taught me to take breaks from technology. Buddy didn’t love the phone and when he would come into my lap for a snuggle it was such a gift to take that time to scratch his belly, kiss his forehead and feel his weight and warmth against my body. He always seemed to know when we were going to take his picture and would turn away. He wasn’t interested in being photographed. He was interested in being in the moment with his people. 

He showed me the beauty, honor and privilege it is to take care of a being as they come into this world and as they leave it. We met Bud when he was 1, full of energy, spunk, sass and sweetness. As he aged we got the opportunity to learn how to take care of an aging loved one. Our walks changed, slowed down and eventually turned into a little wandering and a little lying down at the park. We went from chasing anything that moved to moving anything he might run into as he lost his sight and hearing. From training for a marathon together to snuggling under blankets more. From puking in the car due to anxiety to excitement for the car because it took us to fun places. From bruising my legs by stomping on them from excitement to get out into the woods to beds and cushions in the car for extra support for his arthritic hips. From jumping up on the bed to ramps and being carried up and down. Every iteration of his life brought joy and sweetness. 

He helped me work on my needle phobia. Bud was diagnosed with diabetes 8 months ago and I never thought I would be able to give shots. Although my amazing partner gave most of the insulin shots my love and desire to keep him as happy and healthy as possible made me face my fear to do what I needed to do for him.

He taught me clarity. The day he died it was clear that morning that it was time. As we sat together for a few hours before the vet arrived all I could say to him was, “Thank you. I love you and I’m sorry if I could have done better and I didn’t.” After 14 years of being together it all boiled down to love and gratitude. 

He showed me that grief has the most beautiful highs and lows. After Buddy died the pain seared through my body. It still comes in waves, but we are also laughing and relishing our incredible life together. His first Halloween. The time he got lost on Whidbey Island. His fear of bridges. The sound of him snoring and dreaming. His eagle sounds at the vet. Playing with his best friend, Muffet. 

Grief and love.
Loving so intensely it hurts.
Grieving so fully it transforms to beauty.
Love and grief. 

As his ashes took flight in the wind at the ocean it reminded me of a metaphor my teacher shares. We are all these unique waves in the ocean, but we come from and return to the great sea of awareness. As Buddy’s wave returned to the vast ocean I sit with grief, love and gratitude that we had this time to swim together.

May you be free Bubbaloo and unbound to anything that wants to hold you back (including me).

Finding calm through chaos

Kālī Temple

I recently returned from an incredible yātrā (sacred pilgrimage) in India with my teacher and saṅgha where we visited temples dedicated to Śiva and the five elements. One of the countless things I love about India is the immersion into the senses.

The sights of Devī and Śiva were mesmerizing. When I am in a temple I am always reminded of something we teacher told me. Not only am I looking at them they are also looking at me. Being in the presence of these deities that are dressed in dazzling colors and being worshiped with milk, honey and water is enrapturing. There is so much to see it is impossible for me to take it all in. The sounds of the bells, chants and crowds making their way through the temple complex anchor me. The smells of incense, sweat, smoke and flowers keep my awareness in the present moment. The taste of the prasad (offerings) where the food offered to the deity becomes the food we eat, which then becomes us feels like an integration of our experience. The feeling of bodies working in unison, and sometimes opposition, to get that moment with the deity fuels my longing for the reason so many of us are there, to be liberated. The heat reminds me of the power of transformation that comes with being in these sacred places.

Being in India and having the opportunity to visit these temples is a privilege I don’t take lightly. As I learn from my teacher these experiences are wonderful, but the real question is how do they impact our daily lives? It is one thing to have mystical experiences, but how can we use these experiences to go deeper into ourselves and process?

When I returned home my little meditation room felt more alive and potent after being in places where worship has continued for thousands of years. I felt more connected to my senses here and more devoted to the sweet altar that holds my prayers, intentions, sufferings, joys and longings. The loudness stoked my inner silence. The near constant movement strengthened my ability to be still. Sometimes by going out into the world more expansively I can come home to myself more deeply. By going into chaos I can find an even more profound calm.

We don’t need to travel across the world or go to temples to experience this though. We can use our senses in our daily lives to anchor us anytime and anywhere. Notice a sound you hear right now. I hear my heater. One of the temples we went to was dedicated to the space element, the element that holds all the other elements. Can you tune into the space that holds what you hear? Notice a thought you are aware of. Can you observe the space around that thought? Become aware of one of your struggles. Can you also become aware of the space that holds that struggle? When you reflect on the space in and around whatever you are experiencing what happens in your body? In your breath? In your mind?

What helps you access calm in chaos?

Feeling the Feels and Supporting the System

My heart is with you. I am taking time to tend to my body and heart (2 weekends back to back of online retreats with my teachers) as well support the collective (dropping off gloves at Virginia Mason, keeping my social distance and checking in with loved ones). My hope is that this newsletter can bring you some peace and ease in this uncertain time, which is every moment, even though it has been particularly magnified for many right now.

Here are some very common and normal experiences you may be having:
1. Sadness and mourning
2. A sense of free falling
3. Happiness about the opportunity to slow down
4. Guilt
5. Despair
6. Anger
7. More easily frustrated
8. Overwhelm
9. Easily distracted
10. Not able to focus or retain information
11. Tight muscles
12. Gratitude
13. Difficulty sleeping or sleeping more than usual
14. Numbing out
15. Irritability
16. Awe
17. Trouble balancing (physically as well as mentally)
18. Lethargy
19. Rumination
20. Fear

All of these are normal and OK. And, of course, these may not be the only experiences you are having.  Maybe you are experiencing something not on this list. That is OK too. We all have unique nervous systems that process uncertainty and crisis in different ways. The more we can allow our bodies and hearts to go through whatever we are experiencing without “shoulding” on ourselves (i.e. I should feel more clearheaded or I shouldn’t feel happy right now,) the more we can be fully present to ourselves and others. 

Here is a guided practice for you around allowing the arisings of your experience:

Here are some other meditations I have recorded throughout the years that you can use if they are helpful.

Here are some other things I have been doing to support my nervous system as it moves through the waves of emotions, thoughts, feelings and sensations. If they sound like they may be useful to you, try them out:
1. Rocking back and forth. Find a rhythm that feels soothing to your system.
2. Orientation. What do you see? Hear? Smell? Taste? Feel?
3. Hugging trees. 
4. Taking social media and news fasts. I try to take a minimum of 24 hours off social media and news/week. 
5. Put a hand on your heart and breathe into that hand.
6. Put a hand on your belly and breathe into that hand.
7. Lay with your legs up the wall.
8. Put on a favorite song and dance. Yesterday I danced to Whitney Houston and Janelle Monae.
9. Gratitude practice. What are 10 things you are grateful for?
10. Be of service. If you are able, can you support your community through grocery shopping or picking up meds or dog walking?
11. Receive service. Can you ask for the support you need? Who can you reach out to for grocery shopping, med pick ups, dog walking or to simply connect?
12. Feel your feet on the ground. If you struggle to feel your feet, wiggle your toes. If you have tennis balls around the house roll your feet on them.
13. Lovingkindness practice: When inhaling, say: May I be well. When exhaling, say: May you be well.
14. Inhale to a count of 4 and exhale to a count of 4. Make this easy. If it is too long or too short for your breath change the number.
15. Do handstands. 
16. Take a nap. 
17. Watch the clouds and remember the impermanence of every moment.
18. Touch the earth. Put your hands in the grass or on the ground to feel the support beneath you.
19. Connect with your ancestors. Ask them for guidance and support.
20. Journal or draw your feelings.

What are you doing to resource yourself right now? We are all figuring this out as we go, and if you have practices that support you that is wonderful. Keep it up!

With love and community,
Laura

Riding the Waves of Shame

A couple weeks ago I did something out of alignment with who I want to be in the world and afterwards I spiraled into a deep well of shame. 

Shame is not uncommon experience, but this spiral lasted longer than usual. Since it was here I used it as an opportunity to look at it as a teacher.

In yoga therapy I often ask clients how something is attempting to help (even when that something, whether a behavior, thought or sensation, is simultaneously hurting). I asked shame how it was trying to help me, and I got a clear answer. Shame told me if I was punished enough for what I did I would not do it again (thank you Catholic school!). Shame was attempting to teach me a lesson so I would be the person I want to be in the world. I took a moment to say thank you to shame for trying its best to help. 

I then shared with shame the way it was hurting me. My stomach hurt, I felt nauseous, I lied to friends about why I was in a shame spiral, I pushed other friends away, and I became more and more disconnected. 

Then I just watched it. Sometimes it felt heavy and swirly. At first it felt deep in my bones, and the more I watched it the more shallow it became. When it was started to fade my mind brought back the memory of being out of alignment and another cascade started at my head and moved down my body. “Remember, I’m trying to help you show up differently in the world,” shame would say.

The second sutra in the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali reads, “yogas chitta vritti nirodhah,” and one translation of this is “yoga is the stopping of the mind fluctuations.” I think of these “fluctuations” as the waves our mind rides. Sometimes our minds are riding shame waves, sometimes joy waves, sometimes pain waves. So how is yoga the stopping of these waves? The awareness that is watching these waves is not simultaneously riding. As I spiraled I also had awareness on the shore witnessing as big waves rolled in, then smaller ones, then another big one. Awareness can be an anchor that can support riding of the waves instead of fighting them, and when I am more rooted in that anchor of awareness I can meet pain with a sense of curiosity rather than judgement, fear, panic and a need for something to change. When I am patient I know there will be change, and I can witness the impermanent process unfold inside this body. 

Shame happens. It happens to most of us, and it is a sign we are hurting. Underneath shame was the pain of grief. When the shame subsided I was able to grieve that I didn’t show up the way I wanted. I grieved that my body is conditioned to freeze when I want it to act. I grieved that I am imperfect and I cause harm. The wave of grief felt different than shame. It was more gentle, like rolling waves rather than violent waves. It felt like a catch in my chest and I could not quite take as deep of a breath.

When shame arises for you how is it trying to help? How is it hurting? What, if anything, is under the shame? How does that feel the same or different than the shame? These questions can help me get a bit of distance from the intensity of shame to get to the shore and to hold space and witness the waves as they come and go. 

With gratitude for the waves and the shore,
Laura

#MeToo Seattle Yoga. Self care and Community Care.

Last month a group of healers, yoga teachers and students launched a campaign to bring awareness and transparency to sexual harassment and violence in the Seattle Yoga world.  You can read more and fill out the form here.

Please share this with your yoga studios, yoga teachers and networks as we want as many people to have access to this form as possible. 

I was also honored to be interviewed by #AfterWeSpoke, an organization that was born in response to the #MeToo movement for people who have spoken up and are now in need of connection and guidance. I talk about being a yoga therapist and working with survivors of sexual violence through yoga therapy. You can read the interview here. 

Finally, I want to share an article written by amazing outreach worker, RBY intern and all around fantastic human being, Troy Landrum, as he shares his experience with resiliency training and self-care. Check out Troy’s piece here.

Troy ends his article with 5 ways he takes care of himself throughout his week, and as I am committed to both being sustainable in this work as well as witnessing trauma and challenging systems that perpetuate trauma I want to end with 5 ways that help me stay in work that is challenging, beautiful, painful, incredible, and that I love so deeply as well as 5 ways I practice community care.

Self-care:
1. Reading. I just finished Trauma Stewardship and am now diving into Yoni Shakti.
2. Walking in Seward Park every morning.
3. Swimming.
4. Meditating each morning (anywhere from 5-60 minutes).
5. Snuggling Bud, my sweet old puggle.

Community-care:
1. Picking up litter when I walk around the park.
2. Practicing radical honesty and compassion in my relationships.
3. Donating money to organizations I believe in.
4. Intentionally shopping at POC-owned businesses.
5. Writing love letters.

How do you take care of yourself? How do you take care of community? It can be hard to take care of myself when there is so much to do, and when I remember to do these small things I find I am more capable, competent and able to move towards actions I want to see in myself and the world. I am a fan of 5 minute care. What can you do in 5 minutes or less to nourish your soul and/or care for your sweet self? What can you do in 5 minutes or less to nourish the soul and sweet self of someone else? It is amazing what 5 minutes can do!

With gratitude and solidarity,
Laura

#metoo

I want to start this newsletter by saying, #metoo. I also want to start by naming the Black woman, Tarana Burke, who started this movement more than a decade ago even as it gains momentum now with so many survivor’s stories being heard. 

I have noticed a lot happening inside me as I hear and witness stories of sexual violence.

I notice I am excited. I am excited people are talking and people are listening. I am excited people are heard and silence is broken. This excitement leads to grief and anger. I grieve for myself and everyone who has experienced violence. I am enraged as I remember feeling powerless and seeing how patriarchal power continues to try to shut voices down. I grieve the times that I was not heard and the times I did not hear. I grieve for all who are not being heard right now and who may never be heard. I am angry that virtually every woman I know has a #metoo story.

As memories come back I am reminded of the layers of grief and anger that can lie dormant in my body.  When we are exposed to other people’s traumas it can bring our own back to the surface. Speaking our traumas can be both liberating, powerful and healing as well as re-traumatizing, painful and triggering.

If you have also experienced sexual violence and are feeling a lot right now please know.
1. Your feelings are normal.
2. Rage is normal.
3. Grief is normal.
4. Confusion is normal.
5. Heartbreak is normal.
6. Excitement that silence is being broken is normal.
7. You can take breaks from the media.
8. You can keep yourself immersed in media.
9. You can talk to friends you trust or a therapist about what is coming up for you.
10. You can not talk to anyone about what is coming up for you.

I am finding connection to my body powerful right now as well. I notice nauseous, numbness or waves of heat when I listen to or read accounts of sexual violence. I have started to try to move with those feelings. This does not mean trying to move through or move those feelings out of me, but allowing the nausea, the numbness or the rage to move me. I am attempting to allow my body to express what it is still holding onto. 

If you have all the support you need right now I am so grateful for that. For those of you reading this wanting more you can go here to sign up for a free 20 minute yoga therapy phone consultation. We can’t heal on our own and sometimes we all need a little or a lot of extra support on our healing journeys.

May you be free from danger now and always.
May you befriend and honor all your emotions.
May your body be healthy, healed and whole.
May you be at peace.

May all beings be free from danger now and always.
May all beings befriend and honor all their emotions.
May all bodies be healthy, healed and whole.
May all beings be at peace.

Verified vs. Unverified Compassion and Anger

I hope this newsletter finds you well in your world. I am in the midst of a “sandwich retreat,” which is bringing the experience of retreat into daily life. I attended a daylong retreat last weekend, I returned to retreat Monday-Friday in the early morning and again in the evening, and tomorrow I end our time together with another daylong retreat. I have never done anything like this. I usually check out of daily life and responsibilities to attend a retreat, and it has been a fascinating experience to both be on retreat and to live my daily life at the same time.

One of the things I experience on retreat is a deep connectedness to others. My compassion grows exponentially, and I have a tendency to fall in love with the people I encounter and hold those who do harm with tenderness and compassion for the struggle that is at the root of their acting out. I even found myself having compassion for Sean Spicer this week, a remarkable shift, after struggling to locate compassion for any of the current political administration. In all honesty, I had an aversion to the compassion and connection I was feeling though.

In the last two years I have woken up to the ways that my compassion has not served me. Compassion kept me silent when I could have used my voice to disrupt harm. Compassion allowed me to let people off the hook because, “they are suffering” or “they are just on their journey” or “I should focus on what I agree with,” etc. Compassion made me turn away from suffering because it was too painful to look at. I am coming to think of this deluded form of compassion as ‘unverified compassion’. One concept we talked about on retreat this week was faith. The teachers distinguished between ‘blind faith’ and ‘verified faith.’ I don’t love using the term blind though, as it serves as an ableist way of describing an unconscious process, so I will use the term unverified instead. Unverified faith is believing in something without understanding why, and this kind of faith can be unquestioning. Verified faith is when we examine, question and challenge the teachings so we know them personally and intimately. We know we have faith in something not because someone told us we should but because we have struggled and grappled with it ourselves. 

The last two years have also been about reclaiming anger, and just as I became attached to compassion I also became very attached to anger. Anger served me by giving me the energy to speak up, to have a more critical analysis of the world around me, and to use this energy to turn towards the pain of the world. But I knew it wasn’t ‘verified’. Many times my experience with anger helped to reassure me that I was ‘right’ and ‘they’ were wrong. Other times I stopped listening to the people in front of me because anger flooded my system and I could no longer process what was happening around me. Some nights my body was so activated by my anger that I could not sleep. 

Even though there are many ways that my anger does not serve me, when I felt a strong pull of compassion start to return to me, I freaked out. I wanted to push it away. In the past my unverified compassion kept me unconscious about the harm I was doing in the world with the privileges I have. I was afraid I was going to lose my anger and return to the dismissive narrative of ‘it’s all good’. 

I know intellectually this fear is not true. I can not go back to who I was three years ago. I want to be compassionate, and I also want to be active. I want to integrate the two, and I believe the integration of anger and compassion can be a powerful force in the world. 

As compassion started to return I noticed myself grasping for the comfort of my anger and my righteousness. A dear friend asked me what my wise self had to say about this conflict between compassion and anger. Once I stopped to pay attention, my wise self told me I had to strengthen my anger muscle for the last couple years because it was so undeveloped. My anger  is important because it helps me access my passion and the fire for compassionate, fierce action. My compassion muscle is strong, and it needed to take a back seat for a season so it could learn to be in partnership with other parts of me. My anger and my compassion are in the early stages of dialogue. I am attempting to have faith in the process as these two parts of myself learn from each other and hopefully, become a little more verified.