Category: Trauma Healing

If you don’t do your work you become work for other people

Lama Rod teaching in Seattle.

“If you don’t do your work you become work for other people,” Lama Rod Owens shared earlier this month in his Seattle visit.  

As soon as he said it I was aware how true it felt in my body. It landed with clarity, discomfort, a resounding yes in my chest with some fear in my belly. When I avoid my struggles they do not go away. They not only increase for myself but also for those around me. 

Lama Rod later asked, “Who are the people being oppressed by my bullshit?”

What is your work? Today? Yesterday? Last year? Who are the people who you become work for if you don’t do it? Who are the people that help you do your work? What are the things that support you continue your work? 

I am currently being challenged to dismantle the way self-will shows up within me. I am being encouraged to “surrender.” Several years ago I would have said I was pretty good at surrendering. I was good at going with the flow. I tended to not get too upset about much of anything. Looking back I realize this was not truly surrendering. I was dissociating from my actual feelings because dissociation felt better and easier than feeling. Now I am a feeling more than I ever have, and it is uncomfortable. The discomfort also comes with liberation because it feels like I am coming home to myself.

Through bypassing my feelings they became work for others. People could not connect to me as easily. I was unwilling to have conflict. I avoided discomfort in myself, my relationships and the world. I sheltered myself with ignorance. 

Through feeling more I awakened a sense of powerlessness that I did not like. Bypassing became less of an option, but powerlessness felt a step too far. So I went to work. I went to work fixing and doing and controlling. In many ways my working, doing and controlling are other forms of dissociation. I am bypassing my powerlessness to feel like I have some control.

My self-will also becomes work for others. My will has increased my judgment and harshness of myself, others and the world. Simply being with others can be a challenge because there is “so much to do.” My state of urgency can create disconnection.

Lama Rod spoke of the apocalypse. He called the apocalypse an “unveiling” and a “revealing.” He shared when this unveiling happens we have a choice to be adaptive or not, and when we “choose to fight truth we enact more violence.” 

Surrendering self-will into the truth of powerlessness is my current apocalypse, and the more I do my work the more is revealed to me. Sometimes work can look like doing, and other times that work can look like being. This is an opportunity to be adaptive, to allow the truth to be unveiled and to do my work so I don’t become work for others. 

Riding the Waves of Shame

A couple weeks ago I did something out of alignment with who I want to be in the world and afterwards I spiraled into a deep well of shame. 

Shame is not uncommon experience, but this spiral lasted longer than usual. Since it was here I used it as an opportunity to look at it as a teacher.

In yoga therapy I often ask clients how something is attempting to help (even when that something, whether a behavior, thought or sensation, is simultaneously hurting). I asked shame how it was trying to help me, and I got a clear answer. Shame told me if I was punished enough for what I did I would not do it again (thank you Catholic school!). Shame was attempting to teach me a lesson so I would be the person I want to be in the world. I took a moment to say thank you to shame for trying its best to help. 

I then shared with shame the way it was hurting me. My stomach hurt, I felt nauseous, I lied to friends about why I was in a shame spiral, I pushed other friends away, and I became more and more disconnected. 

Then I just watched it. Sometimes it felt heavy and swirly. At first it felt deep in my bones, and the more I watched it the more shallow it became. When it was started to fade my mind brought back the memory of being out of alignment and another cascade started at my head and moved down my body. “Remember, I’m trying to help you show up differently in the world,” shame would say.

The second sutra in the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali reads, “yogas chitta vritti nirodhah,” and one translation of this is “yoga is the stopping of the mind fluctuations.” I think of these “fluctuations” as the waves our mind rides. Sometimes our minds are riding shame waves, sometimes joy waves, sometimes pain waves. So how is yoga the stopping of these waves? The awareness that is watching these waves is not simultaneously riding. As I spiraled I also had awareness on the shore witnessing as big waves rolled in, then smaller ones, then another big one. Awareness can be an anchor that can support riding of the waves instead of fighting them, and when I am more rooted in that anchor of awareness I can meet pain with a sense of curiosity rather than judgement, fear, panic and a need for something to change. When I am patient I know there will be change, and I can witness the impermanent process unfold inside this body. 

Shame happens. It happens to most of us, and it is a sign we are hurting. Underneath shame was the pain of grief. When the shame subsided I was able to grieve that I didn’t show up the way I wanted. I grieved that my body is conditioned to freeze when I want it to act. I grieved that I am imperfect and I cause harm. The wave of grief felt different than shame. It was more gentle, like rolling waves rather than violent waves. It felt like a catch in my chest and I could not quite take as deep of a breath.

When shame arises for you how is it trying to help? How is it hurting? What, if anything, is under the shame? How does that feel the same or different than the shame? These questions can help me get a bit of distance from the intensity of shame to get to the shore and to hold space and witness the waves as they come and go. 

With gratitude for the waves and the shore,
Laura

#MeToo Seattle Yoga. Self care and Community Care.

Last month a group of healers, yoga teachers and students launched a campaign to bring awareness and transparency to sexual harassment and violence in the Seattle Yoga world.  You can read more and fill out the form here.

Please share this with your yoga studios, yoga teachers and networks as we want as many people to have access to this form as possible. 

I was also honored to be interviewed by #AfterWeSpoke, an organization that was born in response to the #MeToo movement for people who have spoken up and are now in need of connection and guidance. I talk about being a yoga therapist and working with survivors of sexual violence through yoga therapy. You can read the interview here. 

Finally, I want to share an article written by amazing outreach worker, RBY intern and all around fantastic human being, Troy Landrum, as he shares his experience with resiliency training and self-care. Check out Troy’s piece here.

Troy ends his article with 5 ways he takes care of himself throughout his week, and as I am committed to both being sustainable in this work as well as witnessing trauma and challenging systems that perpetuate trauma I want to end with 5 ways that help me stay in work that is challenging, beautiful, painful, incredible, and that I love so deeply as well as 5 ways I practice community care.

Self-care:
1. Reading. I just finished Trauma Stewardship and am now diving into Yoni Shakti.
2. Walking in Seward Park every morning.
3. Swimming.
4. Meditating each morning (anywhere from 5-60 minutes).
5. Snuggling Bud, my sweet old puggle.

Community-care:
1. Picking up litter when I walk around the park.
2. Practicing radical honesty and compassion in my relationships.
3. Donating money to organizations I believe in.
4. Intentionally shopping at POC-owned businesses.
5. Writing love letters.

How do you take care of yourself? How do you take care of community? It can be hard to take care of myself when there is so much to do, and when I remember to do these small things I find I am more capable, competent and able to move towards actions I want to see in myself and the world. I am a fan of 5 minute care. What can you do in 5 minutes or less to nourish your soul and/or care for your sweet self? What can you do in 5 minutes or less to nourish the soul and sweet self of someone else? It is amazing what 5 minutes can do!

With gratitude and solidarity,
Laura

#metoo

I want to start this newsletter by saying, #metoo. I also want to start by naming the Black woman, Tarana Burke, who started this movement more than a decade ago even as it gains momentum now with so many survivor’s stories being heard. 

I have noticed a lot happening inside me as I hear and witness stories of sexual violence.

I notice I am excited. I am excited people are talking and people are listening. I am excited people are heard and silence is broken. This excitement leads to grief and anger. I grieve for myself and everyone who has experienced violence. I am enraged as I remember feeling powerless and seeing how patriarchal power continues to try to shut voices down. I grieve the times that I was not heard and the times I did not hear. I grieve for all who are not being heard right now and who may never be heard. I am angry that virtually every woman I know has a #metoo story.

As memories come back I am reminded of the layers of grief and anger that can lie dormant in my body.  When we are exposed to other people’s traumas it can bring our own back to the surface. Speaking our traumas can be both liberating, powerful and healing as well as re-traumatizing, painful and triggering.

If you have also experienced sexual violence and are feeling a lot right now please know.
1. Your feelings are normal.
2. Rage is normal.
3. Grief is normal.
4. Confusion is normal.
5. Heartbreak is normal.
6. Excitement that silence is being broken is normal.
7. You can take breaks from the media.
8. You can keep yourself immersed in media.
9. You can talk to friends you trust or a therapist about what is coming up for you.
10. You can not talk to anyone about what is coming up for you.

I am finding connection to my body powerful right now as well. I notice nauseous, numbness or waves of heat when I listen to or read accounts of sexual violence. I have started to try to move with those feelings. This does not mean trying to move through or move those feelings out of me, but allowing the nausea, the numbness or the rage to move me. I am attempting to allow my body to express what it is still holding onto. 

If you have all the support you need right now I am so grateful for that. For those of you reading this wanting more you can go here to sign up for a free 20 minute yoga therapy phone consultation. We can’t heal on our own and sometimes we all need a little or a lot of extra support on our healing journeys.

May you be free from danger now and always.
May you befriend and honor all your emotions.
May your body be healthy, healed and whole.
May you be at peace.

May all beings be free from danger now and always.
May all beings befriend and honor all their emotions.
May all bodies be healthy, healed and whole.
May all beings be at peace.

The Election of Donald Trump: Anger, Divisiveness, Compassion and Healing

Since the election of Donald Trump I vacillate between anger, shut down, action and sadness. 

The day after the election I went in action mode and taught a post-election yoga nidra class that helped me get back into my body. Here is the recording if you would like to check it out. If you feel inclined to donate all proceeds raised go to Standing Rock. Plus for the month of December I will be collecting donations to send to camp. Here are the current needs:
Milk of Magnesia
Wool socks
Wool blankets
Space blankets
Hand warmers
Trauma kits (portable)
Suturing kits
Straw bales
Donations for legal defense

In the last year or so I experienced a lot of anger and divisiveness within my family, friends and community, and the election of Donald Trump magnified some of that divisiveness. I have fought hard for what I believe to be “right,” and my rightness has caused strain in my relationships and vulnerability hangovers within myself.

I sat with one of my teachers, Richard Miller, last week and he asked me to notice where I feel the fight in me. I got the image of my right arm holding a hammer and hitting people over the head with it. It was a violent image.

As I sat with the image my heart started to ache. I have been meeting hatred and injustice with aggression. Yet, I am also learning to allow my anger to be a part of me. In the last year I have come to love my anger. Anger does not equate aggression and violence though, and I am working towards integrating my anger with love and compassion. Sometimes anger and compassion feel at odds, but I believe and have seen them be amazing partners. 

I recently listened to a brilliant woman, Sandra Kim, from Compassionate Activism talk about one of the ways that toxic whiteness hurts white people is by white folks dehumanizing other white people. When I saw that 53% of white women and 63% of white men I was angry at white people. Anger does not fix the problems of white supremacy though, and it does not build bridges. Anger DOES mobilize and impassion people, and it has mobilized and impassioned me. 

Integration and healing are long, complicated and slow processes, and as I continue to commit to waking up, fighting for justice, loving everyone and allowing my anger to push me forward. I am moving towards loving the part of me that wants to aggressively change the challenges of our country because that aggression is driven from love and desire for justice. I also challenge myself to hold that aggression with love, but to act from a place of compassion for myself and for others. I know that I will fail and stumble along this path, and I also challenge myself to hold myself kindly when I act in an aggressive way, when I say something unskillfully and when I do not do it perfectly.

In the Rainier Beach Yoga newletter I created a list of self-care and community-care resources. Feel free to check it out here. 

The root of anger

Last month I went on my first 10-day silent meditation course. The word I use when people ask me about it is intense.

I am still integrating this experience, which entailed over 10 hours of sitting meditation/day, the cutest baby deer and rabbits, views of Mt. Rainier, losing my appetite for 4 days and so much more.

At the end, one of people whom I drove with asked me, “Did you have any breakthroughs?” In that moment I thought not really, I was just really scared for 4 days straight.

I have experienced several traumas in the last 2 years, and the last 9 months or so I have been angry. This has been a part of my healing process because I am conditioned and socialized to not feel or to ignore anger, and befriending my anger was a part of accessing the wholeness of me. In the mental health world anger is sometimes called a secondary emotion. Here is a description from Conflict Resolution Education: “Anger is often called a secondary emotion because we tend to resort to anger in order to protect ourselves from or cover up other vulnerable feelings. A primary feeling is what is felt immediately before we feel anger. We almost always feel something else first before we get angry.”

When we experience trauma anger can protect us, and I am grateful for my anger. In my time on the course I realized how much fear was underneath the anger. It took 7 days for this fear to emerge, but when it did the intensity was difficult to bear.

When I got home I still felt the fear, and it lives in the left side of my belly. It is still here now, only much quieter. Now, almost a month after being back in my daily life I reflect on that question asked of me, “Did you have any breakthroughs?” Yes, I found my fear under my anger. It was here the whole time, but I did not have conscious access to it until I was quiet and still for 7 days. Now I know it is here, and now I can tend to it. That is a huge breakthrough.

Love,
Laura

How do you accept something when you wish it never happened?

Last week while teaching class on lovingkindness we heard the chickens in the backyard getting louder and louder. When I finally looked out the window I saw a raccoon eating one of the chickens. I yelled and ran out of the room as the students were lying in legs up the wall.

We had spent some time at the beginning of class talking about our feelings about Orlando, and I was teaching to calm the nervous system. We were focusing on breathing in, “May I be well.” Breathing out, “May you be well.”

When I got back inside after corralling the other chickens to safety in their coop I still was holding space for students, but I was obviously rattled. Someone asked if there was anything they could do. I was grateful for the gesture, and I said I would take care of myself at 7:45, when class finished.

When we got to meditation I was able to spend a little time crying, which felt vulnerable and honest. I felt the need to apologize, even though I did not cause what happened. I tried my best to finish leading the movement portion of class, but I was distracted and worried. I was worried about the chickens. I was worried about the students. I was worried about myself. I chanted through tears at the end of class.

As I reflect on this challenge I am grateful for many things. I am grateful for the part of myself that can compartmentalize emotions and experiences so I can stay somewhat present. I am grateful for the incredible students who show up with honesty, resiliency, care and compassion. I am grateful for my anger that can motivate me to move forward and act. I am grateful for my nervous system that can make my muscles act quickly and my fight and flight response that can be put to good use. I appreciate my vulnerability and ability to show my softness and strength. I am grateful for my meditation practice which allows me to feel all my feelings with compassion and empathy.

Trauma is usually unexpected and not a welcomed experience, and it happens to all of us at some point and on some level. Our yoga practice of awareness, compassion and being with what is can help us navigate the traumas that we meet in our lives.

I wish this experience did not happen. I wish the students did not have to witness it. But the experience did happen, and students did witness it. The more I can accept that reality the more I can hold myself and the vulnerability, grief, anger, fear, worry and gratitude that are also realities.

With love and compassion,
Laura

Yoga Therapy for Trauma

Trauma happens to all of us. It happened to my hip recently when I fell down a few stairs and my body bruised. It happened a few months ago when I received death threats for bringing a yoga class for people of color to Rainier Beach Yoga. Read this article I wrote about it here.

Trauma can be big or small. It can happen to the body or the mind. It can last for a relatively short period of time or for years, but it happens to us all.

Navigating the last few months has been a dive into the inner workings of trauma, and it has included anger, fear, isolation, hypervigilance, paranoia and exhaustion. In the body it included pain in my left shoulder, neck and jaw tension and feeling physically overwhelmed.

As with anything I met this trauma with my yoga and meditation practice. The practice of mindfulness helped me get outside of circular thinking that can keep me trapped. When I was aware I was stuck in thinking that was exacerbating fear I would look around me and see what else was happening. I enjoyed looking at trees and nature as an anchor for myself when I felt I was leaving the moment through thinking about the trauma that was over or the “what if…” questions about the future.

During the acute phase of the trauma I was not practicing the physical poses of yoga, the asanas, but I did receive physical touch through cranial sacral therapy, massage and somatics bodywork. This safe and compassionate touch helped me reground into my body and allowed my body to release some of what it was holding onto. Baths and naps were also important parts of my physical self-care.

Mentally, I relied on guided yoga nidra meditations that focused on calming the nervous system because when I came to my cushion on my own my mind would start spinning. When I listened to a meditation I was able to have more focus, and this was another anchor for me to rely on.

On Friday, March 11 I am looking forward to offering the next monthly 2-hour workshop on yoga therapy for a particular challenge. This month’s focus will be trauma.

If you feel overwhelmed by the effects of trauma, are having a hard time quieting the body or mind or want support with the fear, anger and isolation that can come with healing from trauma go here to learn more and register for the Friday, March 11 workshop (or look ahead at other topics we will cover in the next few months). If the workshop does not work for you or you want support for your individual and unique experience contact me for a complimentary 20-minute phone consultation to see if yoga therapy may be a good fit for you.

With love and compassion,
Laura

Fear As an Adventure

Fear As an Adventure

Dear Yoga Community,

I have a confession, I am terrified of needles. I know it seems strange coming from a person with many tattoos, but it is true nonetheless.

Earlier this year when I was assessing my health insurance I decided now was the time to add dental insurance and address my poorly neglected mouth and its needs.

My expectations were to go into my new dentist walking distance from my house, have a routine cleaning and have no real problems. After my X-rays I was told I needed a deep cleaning (requiring novocain), four cavities filled and a crown replaced. I could feel myself going into panic. The very kind dentist told me we were not going to do all of these procedures at once, and I promptly left and continued to neglect my mouth for another six months.

I was recently on retreat with one of my dearest friends at Harmony Hill, and I heard something to this effect: you can think of fear as fear or you can think of fear as an adventure.

I decided to take on this dental/medical fear as an adventure. Last week I went in to get one quadrant of my mouth cleaned and I met my fear with many of the tools I teach in my private yoga therapy practice: lovingkindness, repetitive and rhythmic movement and yoga nidra. I still cried with the last shot, but I did not go into full panic mode. My legs did not shake. My mind did not race into horrible situations that could happen, they rested on my lovingkindness phrases. I did not even cry before the needles came into the room.

This week I had the other three quadrants cleaned. I woke up that morning and did a yoga nidra that helped to calm my nervous system. Every time my thoughts drifted to the upcoming appointment I felt my right foot, then my left foot to help re-ground me into what was presently happening. When I arrived at the dentist’s office I plugged in my own yoga nidra recording and listened in the waiting room. I looked at people who appeared calm and at ease and just observed them. (I recently read a study that showed when we are experiencing anxiety our nervous systems will actually start to relax just by observing others who are relaxed and calm.)

When the cleaning started I offered myself and my dental hygenist lovingkindness, which made me feel more connected and more loving toward the person whom I normally would feel fear towards. When my mind became distracted I would feel my right foot and then my left foot. I would move my right foot ever so slightly with my inhale, relax it with my exhale and move and relax the left foot with my next breath. I would do this several times before going back to my lovingkindness phrases.

Although the whole experience was less than enjoyable, it was also quite transformative. For the first time I actually felt like I had some tools that I could use to work successfully with the situation. I have tried deep breathing, closing my eyes, and I was even a participant in a dental fears study years ago. Yet none of these tools seemed to help me.

I could not tell you this for certain, but I believe my daily lovingkindness meditation helped prime me to be ready to work with this fear in a new way.  I also believe that by practicing these tools when I am not at my highest level of anxiety helped them to be more successful when I needed them most.

Now I still have to go back for my cavities and my crown, but there is a very small part of me that is interested in learning more about this fear as an adventure instead of fear as just fear.

I look forward to seeing you on or off the mat!

Love,
Laura Humpf and Satmato Yoga Therapy

Attuned Touch and Trauma

Attuned Touch and Trauma

Dear Yoga Community,

I was recently asked whether as yoga teachers is it appropriate or even safe to touch our students who have experienced trauma. I have come across conflicting answers on the topic, and I thought I would share my opinions with you.

I believe the majority of human beings have experienced trauma. Car accidents, surgeries, illnesses, breaking a bone, going through a break up and experiencing grief can all lead to trauma symptoms (i.e. ruminating over memories, flashbacks, hyper vigilance, nightmares, trouble sleeping and feeling isloated are just a few symptoms). If we can assume that most of the people who attend yoga classes have experienced at least one trauma in their lives, then we probably should not be touching anyone if this aggravates the trauma symptoms.

Why do we believe that touch can aggravate trauma symptoms? I believe touch absolutely can ignite fear, anxiety or panic when: 1. we do not know that touch is coming. 2. the touch is not done in a mindful, compassionate way and 3. we feel as if something is being done to us rather than being in a relationship with the person (i.e. the yoga teacher) who is providing the touch. Is there inappropriate touch in the yoga world? Sadly, yes. Does this mean that we should ban all touch from the yoga world? I do not believe so.

A few years ago I took a continuing education course on touch in psychotherapy. Touch in the mental health world is also seen as taboo and generally frowned upon. Dr. Zur shared his reasons for believing that touch is a powerful healing intervention that we can provide to our clients and students. Some of the research he cited said that touch can:
-Decrease stress hormones.

-Increase serotonin and dopamine.

-Increase immune system’s cytotoxic capacity (helping our body maintain its defenses).

-Decrease anxiety, depression, hyperactivity, inattention and cortisol levels.

-Activate parasympathetic activity (rest and digest response).

Remember those trauma symptoms? Touch, when done appropriately, can heal trauma symptoms! So how do yoga teachers provide touch that can heal instead of re-traumatize?

-Tell students that you provide touch in your classes (if you do).

-Tell them your intention behind touch (I usually say my touch is to offer you a pleasant experience in your body, and if that is not happening I would love to know).

-Give students an “out.” When someone has been traumatized the power was taken away. Our yoga classes can be an opportunity to give that power back! In savasana if I am going to touch everyone I will tell them and say students can put their hand on their belly if they prefer not be be touched. At The Samarya Center they had orange stickers that students could put on their mats to let the teachers know they prefer no touch. This “out” is also necessary when you are asking your students to touch each other. Whenever I am doing a partner pose I offer another pose that people can do individually if they prefer.

-Get very clear in your own mind why you are touching your students. This is part of your yoga practice.

-Ask for feedback, especially with new students who you are just starting to create a relationship with. Is that too much? Not enough? Ok? This shows that you are invested in them and also value and take into consideration their feelings, sensations, wishes and desires.

-Watch your student’s non verbal language when you are touching them.

-Get more training in touch. I’ll be doing an Attuned Touch workshop at the NW Yoga Conference in March, 2015.

As for you amazing yoga students, how can you take care of your awesome selves in class?

-Call ahead of time to find out the studio’s policy on touch. This can give you an insight into the culture of the studio.

-Learn to say no. This can be incredibly difficult, and it can also be incredibly powerful. When something is not working for you, let the teacher know. I bow to the courageous students who have honestly shared when I was doing something that wasn’t working for them. Thier honesty and courage have helped me become a better yoga teacher.

-Give feedback for both what you enjoyed in class and what you didn’t enjoy. Email works just as well if in person is too intimidating. Including the studio owner will also let the owner know about your experience so she/he can continue to help her/his teachers grow.

-Go to a class specifically for trauma. I’ll be teaching one on Saturday, November 1 with my dear colleague, Laura Kramer.

Touch, like most things in life, is not a black and white issue. Touch can be traumatizing and healing. It can be used to take power or to give back power. It can take us away from our body or invite ourselves back into our bodies.

I look forward to seeing you on or off the mat!

Love,
Laura Humpf and Satmato Yoga Therapy